


all i know is winter (but your heart’ll keep me warm)

by TealTumbleweed



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Set before the mid-credits scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 15:44:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6962995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TealTumbleweed/pseuds/TealTumbleweed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Siberia, Bucky has a few days to come back to himself. And Steve. Mostly Steve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	all i know is winter (but your heart’ll keep me warm)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for my best friend because, as I told them, nothing says "happy birthday" quite like putting your boyfriend back on ice.
> 
> Unbeta-ed so any mistakes are my own.

Steve drops his shield to the ground and Bucky knows he should feel guilty, but he doesn’t. All he can think is _Steve_ , and as the two of them stagger out of the bunker he feels as if in a daze. He knows he’s not worth any of this, but for the moment it doesn’t matter. Right now, all Bucky cares about is that the two of them stand together.

He tenses up when T’Challa approaches him as soon as they reach the snow-covered open ground. He’s hard to miss—the blackness of his suit forms a stark contrast with all the white around them.

“I am no longer a threat to you,” the Black Panther says. “I see the truth now.”

Bucky nods and relaxes somewhat.

“You got him?” Steve asks.

T’Challa nods. “Justice will be had.” He eyes the two battered men in front of him. “You will need to lie low for a while. Do you have anywhere to go?”

Steve lets out a bitter laugh. “Not really, no,” he says. “I didn’t plan that far ahead.”

“You will come with me then,” T’Challa says. “You are not to be blamed and I feel I worsened your situation. Wakanda will be safe for you.”

Bucky blinks. “You’re… Just like that?”

“Just like that,” T’Challa agrees.

They cram themselves in T’Challa’s tiny aircraft—Steve’s adamant to leave the Avengers’ jet behind so Stark can get home now that his suit is rendered useless—and Bucky settles himself in for the coming journey. Steve’s sitting across from him and they share a small smile. It isn’t until they’re up in the air, quickly leaving Siberia behind them, that Bucky realizes he’s completely exhausted.

“Why don’t you try to get some sleep?” Steve suggests, perceptive as always.

Bucky’s not sure when he slept last. With all that’s been going on, the hours and days have blurred together, too much of a mess for Bucky to process. He nods at Steve, grateful, and closes his eyes. His position is uncomfortable and the jet is incredibly loud but he’s asleep before it can bother him.

 

-+-+-+-+-

 

The journey is long, but most of it is spent in silence. Steve and T’Challa change seats every few hours and everyone not actively flying the jet does his best to catch some sleep. To Bucky, it’s all a bit of a blur. They stop a few times for food and to freshen up but by the time they make it to Africa, all Bucky wants to do is collapse into a warm bath for a few hours.

To say the complex T’Challa takes them to is big is an understatement. It’s massive. Nevertheless, its clever position in the Wakandan jungle means that it’s practically invisible until they’re right on top of it. Bucky lets out an appreciative whistle.

“Nice digs,” he says. T’Challa just grins at him.

Bucky has to do a fair bit of stretching as soon as he exits the jet. All of his limbs are stiff and the absence of his left arm makes him feel unbalanced. He’s not sure what to do about that, but at the moment he doesn’t care. He needs that bath.

T’Challa introduces them to his household staff, and within minutes Bucky and Steve are shown into the most luxurious set of rooms. The pristine suite is nothing compared to the view, though. For a long moment, Bucky is stunned by the gorgeous sight beyond the wall-sized window.

“Dang,” he hears Steve whisper next to him, and Bucky can’t help but agree with his friend.

“Please do not hesitate to ask if you require anything,” the girl that showed them to their suite says. After a soft thanks from Steve, she leaves them alone, closing the door behind her.

“So… What do you think?” Steve asks. He sounds hesitant, and Bucky decides he doesn’t like that.

“Are you kidding me? It’s fucking great. I’m wondering why the fuck I’m here, sure, but Steve…” Bucky gestures wildly around. It’s too much to fit into words.

Steve laughs quietly. “Yeah, I know what you mean. I’m kinda afraid any minute some task force is going to barge in to take us away. God… We should be in prison.” A sudden realization dawns on Steve. “Fuck, most of our _friends_ are in prison… What are we supposed to do about that?”

Bucky immediately feels uncomfortable. Sure, he’d say any friend of Steve’s is a friend of his, but the people that stood up with them aren’t his friends, not really. Not in such a way that justifies what they sacrificed for him. A stranger. “We’ll find a way to get them out,” he says gruffly.

“Yeah,” Steve says. He doesn’t sound convinced, but Bucky’s certain they’ll find a way. “First things first, though. We should probably freshen up a bit. I don’t know about you, but I feel like absolute hell.”

That manages to surprise a laugh out of Bucky. “You can say that again. I could do with a hot bath, to be honest. They probably have baths in a place as fancy as this, right?” The thought perks Bucky up again, even if it’s just a little. He moves over to their private bathroom and peeks inside. “Hah! I knew it,” he says with a grin. “I call dibs.”

“Jerk,” Steve says, but Bucky can hear the fondness in his voice. “Fine, you go first. I’ll go find us something clean to change into.”

Left alone in their suite, Bucky moves into the spacious bathroom and takes care of his full bladder first. As he’s washing his hand his eyes fall on his mirror image, which frowns back at him. He looks like shit, his face cut up and bruised with dark circles under his eyes. His 5 o’clock shadow is starting to resemble a full-grown beard but he decides to leave that for now. He’s not sure he’d manage that neatly with just the one arm anyway. The thought makes his eyes snap to where his metal arm used to be, next. Now that he’s looking at it properly he can see that the limb was torn off roughly and for a moment he fears that they won’t be able to fix it. Whoever they might be. He shoves the thought away for later. Nothing he can do about that now.

After locating an especially fluffy towel he turns to the large tub that dominates the back corner of the room. It’s marble and designed to accommodate at least two large adults and for a moment Bucky’s taken back to his old self, who’d have no problem thinking up creative uses for a bath this size. This Bucky, though, the Bucky that he’s now, doesn’t really have an interest in such things, and he moves to open the taps. While he waits for the water to fill the tub, he removes his clothes and drops them in a pile beside the door. With a sigh he notes that none of them look salvageable. He’d liked those clothes.

Steve still hasn’t returned and Bucky positions the bathroom door in such a way that he won’t have full view of the room but it’s still very much open so that he won’t feel locked in. His claustrophobia has gotten a lot better but he still doesn’t like it when he can’t clearly see a way out. Satisfied with everything, he turns back to the large tub. On its edge stands a line of bottles and he picks a liquid soap that doesn’t smell too overwhelming and add some to the water streaming into the bath.

He carefully steps into the tub, testing the water temperature, then slowly lowers himself down until he’s sitting with his back against one of the curved ends. The sensation is so good that he has to suppress the urge to groan loudly. He can’t remember the last time he took a proper bath.

(Except that he’s pretty sure that he can and  _Steve_ had been there and the memory is blurry at best but—

No. It’s no use going there, even in his own mind.)

He’s in the process of scrubbing himself clean when Steve returns to their rooms.

“Buck?” His voice drifts through the open door, only slightly muted by the sound of water cascading down from the taps. Bucky closes them. He can’t see Steve; he’s probably awkwardly hovering next to the door so he can’t be accused of trying to peek. “I’ve got you some sweats,” Steve continues.

“You can come in to put them on the counter,” Bucky says. “I’m decent. Ish.” He’s pretty sure being covered in half a foot of foam counts as decent.

Steve carefully edges into the bathroom and even though he manages to keep from looking at Bucky, he still turns an impressive red. He gracelessly deposits the stack of clothes next to the sink and moves to exit the bathroom again.

“Steve,” Bucky says before he can make his escape, and he waits until Steve’s looking back at him. “Thanks.”

It’s just one simple word, but in that moment, it means so much. Too much, almost. He can see tears well up in Steve’s eyes.

“Anytime,” he says. This time he does leave, making sure the door is positioned exactly the same as Bucky’d left it in.

With a smile tugging at his lips, Bucky goes back to cleaning his body. It almost feels like a ritual, as if removing the stains on his mortal form does anything to remove the stains left on his soul. He struggles with washing his hair, which isn’t as easy with just one hand, but he manages. When the water starts to cool, he feels almost like himself again.

He roughly towels himself dry and puts on the soft sweatpants and t-shirt that Steve had left for him. When he looks in the mirror, his reflection makes him slightly less depressed than it had half an hour earlier. His face is still too pale, curtained by his long, dark hair, but the circles under his eyes are slightly less pronounced. The hair annoys him, though. He hunts through the bathroom in search of a hair elastic, and he finds an unopened pack stuffed away in one of the drawers next to the sink. He opens it with his teeth and extracts one, but he has no idea how to tie back his hair without the use of his left hand.

With a sigh, he exits the bathroom and approaches Steve, who’s admiring the view but looks up when Bucky comes near. Bucky wordlessly shows him the elastic, and Steve nods, understanding.

Bucky turns around and closes his eyes when he feels Steve’s fingers carding through his hair. It feels nice. It’s probably the nicest sensation he’s felt in decades.

Steve takes his time, making himself familiar with the way Bucky’s hair falls and the best position to collect his hair for a ponytail. Bucky tells himself it’s because Steve wants to do a good job, but he secretly hopes it’s because Steve simply  _wants_ .

Still, it’s over too soon. Steve’s hands leave his hair and he announces he’s going to freshen up as well. He leaves the living area without a backwards glance.

Bucky doesn’t know how to interpret that.

 

-+-+-+-+-

 

Bucky waits until after dinner to tell Steve and T’Challa that they need to put him back into cryo until they’ve got a permanent solution to his problem.

It had been a very nice dinner, with lots of dishes neither he nor Steve had ever tried before, and he hadn’t wanted to ruin it.

It’s still ruined by the way Steve reacts. The way he visibly curls in on himself hurts Bucky more than Hydra ever had and he has the urge to take back his demand. But then he remembers that with Hydra’s control in place, they can still make him hurt Steve or anyone Steve cares about, and he tells him that. He expects a fight, but Steve just quietly agrees with him. The quiet hurts even more.

T’Challa immediately starts outlining ideas he can work on with his team of scientists (because obviously he has a team of scientists. That seems to be the world they live in now, Bucky thinks.) and Bucky lets the technical details wash over him. Way back when, he’d have been excited at the prospect of this kind of talk. Now, it just exhausts him.

It isn’t until well past midnight that Bucky and Steve manage to return to their rooms, with a promise from T’Challa to start first thing in the morning. The more fleshed-out his ideas had become, the quieter Steve had seemed to get. Bucky thinks he understands that feeling. Sooner rather than later, they’ll have to say goodbye again.

“I’ll be leaving in the morning,” Steve says as they enter their suite. Bucky frowns. “I think I know how to get them out of prison.”

Bucky nods. “I can come with,” he offers.

Steve just shakes his head. “I got us into this mess,” he says.

Knowing better than to argue with Steve, Bucky heads into one of the bedrooms and turns on the light. The room is sparsely but tastefully decorated, most attention going to the large bed dominating the space. Bucky can feel Steve peering over his shoulder.

“I’ll take the other room,” Steve says. For a moment they’re left staring at each other, and Bucky’s not quite sure whether he should break the silence. “Well, goodnight, then,” Steve eventually says.

“Night,” Bucky returns. He leaves his door once again half open before sitting down on the bed, testing its softness. It feels too comfortable, but he knows he can’t complain. He turns on one of the night lights and gets back up to turn off the ceiling light, then climbs into bed. The unfamiliar room feels weird, but he can’t quite place in what way. It mostly feels too silent.

He turns off the night light as well and tries to get comfortable. He wonders whether Steve’s doing the same. He wonders if Steve—

A soft knock on the doorframe.

“How do you feel about a sleepover?” Steve asks.

“God, yes” Bucky answers immediately. He moves to the other side of the bed and waits for Steve to climb in. The mattress is wide enough for them to keep from touching, and for a moment Bucky’s not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. They used to touch all the time, he thinks. Something about small beds and crappy heating. He’s not quite sure, though. He closes his eyes and settles in, already feeling more comfortable. He can feel Steve do the same.

“Goodnight,” Steve repeats.

“Mhm,” is all Bucky can manage. He’s already falling asleep.

 

-+-+-+-+-

 

It’s not awkward when they wake up. Bucky thinks maybe it should be, the way their legs are entangled underneath the sheets, but it’s not. He studies Steve for a moment, his face mere inches from his own. He looks younger in sleep, more relaxed. He scrunches his nose and it’s adorable.

_Adorable_ . Where had that thought come from? Bucky had recovered many memories in the last few months. Most of them he’d written down, covered pages and pages of notebook in them. But while most memories had to do with Steve in one way or another, none of them had pertained to this.

What does it mean?

Bucky’s not sure what to make of these feelings. Sure, he’d known he’d loved Steve unconditionally. He now knows he still does. But… Adorable? Bucky shakes his head, trying to clear his thoughts. He doesn’t know what to do, and it annoys him. Should he ask if he and Steve…?

His thoughts are interrupted by a sleepy Steve blinking at him. For a moment he seems confused, but then a radiant smile graces his face.

“Hey, Buck,” he says softly.

Bucky smiles back at him. “Mornin’,” he replies. He decides to leave his thoughts behind for the moment. He doesn’t want to complicate things.

They have breakfast together, but Steve is quick to leave afterwards. He’s uncertain when he’ll return, but he promises Bucky it’ll be soon.

“I’m back before you’ll miss me,” the idiot proclaims.

“As if I’d ever miss you,” Bucky returns. _I already miss you_ , he leaves unspoken.

After a quick shower, Bucky is introduced to T’Challa’s science team and he spends the day going from medical exam to medical exam. They want to know everything about his physical health, his arm, his mind. The questions blur into a haze and Bucky doesn’t mind. At least Steve was right. He doesn’t have much time to miss him.

Steve returns just two days later, and he has their half of the Avengers in tow. Bucky’s elated to see them all staggering from the jet, but he’s unsure how they will feel about him after being incarcerated for almost a week. It’s immediately obvious they don’t think he’s to blame, though. Sam greets him by clapping his shoulder and Wanda even moves in for a hug. It’s nice.

It’s not until later that night, when everyone else has returned to their own rooms to sleep, that Bucky and Steve are alone again. For a moment, Bucky’s not sure what to say. He desperately wants to work on rebuilding their friendship but he doesn’t know where to begin. In the end, he goes with something he’s pretty sure the old Bucky would’ve said.

“So, you and Sharon, huh?”

It’s not the right thing to say. Steve curls in on himself and Bucky frowns, wondering what’s wrong.

“I’m sorry, I thought…” Bucky tries.

Steve sighs. “She’s… Nice, I guess. Just not for me.”

“Oh.” Again, Bucky doesn’t know what to say. “Well, her loss. If she can’t see how great you are—”

“That’s not what I meant,” Steve interrupts him.

Bucky tilts his head, prompting Steve to continue.

“I might have grown to love her, over time,” Steve admits. “Sure, she reminded me a lot of Peggy, but she seems like a genuinely great person. But… Buck, how could anyone hold my interest when you’re right here?”

“Oh,” Bucky repeats. “Well. That’s… Good.”

“Yeah?” Steve asks, the insecurity slowly lifting from his expression.

“Yeah, punk,” Bucky says. “I’m… You… Well.”

Steve laughs, and he puts his hand on Bucky’s arm. “I’m just glad you’re here,” he says.

“You know what,” Bucky carefully grins back at him. “For the first time in ages, so am I.”

 

-+-+-+-+-

 

There isn’t a happy ending. How could there be? T’Challa’s science team is quick and efficient and Bucky only has a little over a week to reacquaint himself with Steve. But it’s a week longer than he’d ever thought he’d have, so he’ll take it.

The morning before he’s put back into cryo is filled with tearful eyes and Bucky’s glad he’d said goodbye to everyone else the night before. Steve asks him if he’s sure one last time, and all Bucky can hear is, “What am I going to do without you?”

For a moment, he’s glad he’s the one being put under. He doesn’t think he’d survive were he the one in Steve’s shoes.

They hug, and Steve kisses his cheek before he lets go. Bucky steps into the chamber without looking at Steve. The other man is quietly sobbing now and Bucky knows he’ll crumble as soon as he sees his face so he stares straight ahead, waiting for it to begin. The last thing he feels is the needles pumping the concoction of drugs into his system to start the process. His fate is in the hands of science, now. He thinks he trusts T’Challa’s people. He has to.

_See you soon_ , he thinks at Steve. He knows ‘soon’ will have a completely different meaning to him. To Bucky it’ll feel like a good night’s sleep. To Steve, it might be weeks, or months, or years. But he knows however long it’ll take, Steve’ll be there when he wakes up. And that, Bucky thinks, is all he’s ever wanted.

The first thing he’ll see the next time he’ll open his eyes? Steve’s face. He can’t wait.


End file.
